Absent fathers

I once loved a man that grew up with an absent father

He was a beautiful man whose heart was broken by his hero

As a boy he wore his bleeding heart on his sleeve and grieved his dad 

But when he grew up, bitterness took over 

His heart hardened because he had to journey through life without a compass 

He had to figure out how to become a man all by himself 

And because he was so vulnerable when he was younger

He believed vulnerability was a sign of weakness when he was older

Opting to suffer in silence 

He perpetually rejected my love 

He didn’t want to risk being hurt again

He didn’t know how be loved

He didn’t know how to be vulnerable 

He didn’t know how to love 

His father never showed him how

Because he didn’t know how

And so the man I once loved

Built walls around his heart

Cautious, sensitive and avoidant

I still think about him sometimes 

I hope he isn’t still suffering in silence 

I hope his fear of closeness

Doesn’t lead to an inheritance of loneliness 

I hope his craving for love is quenched 
And what he couldn’t allow me to give 

He finds the courage to receive

I hope he has learned to unlearn and re-learn 

How to love

How to be loved

And everything else his father couldn’t teach him 

Because he too grew up with an absent father

And finally, for both their sakes, I hope the man I once loved can forgive and end the cycle of absent fathers.

Sarah Kenyi © 2017